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This Month's Chuckle


June 2019


What three things should a person avoid once they are past 70 years old?


Richard Cattermoul, BSc The Mind & Romance, Software Engineering, Philosophy, Cosmology, Physics, History (1967)


Ah, finally, a question befitting my intellectual stature, plus, being as I am actually 73 years old, I think I can answer with some authority.

To begin with, the question is incomplete. Hang on a minute, I need to urinate and then make myself a cup of tea so that I can comfortably settle into the spirit of the question and not be distracted by thirst or a full bladder.

In fact, what I thought I needed was a number two, but it turned out it was just wind, and that’s one of the problems with being this old, you’re never quite sure which orifice you need to relieve.

As I say, the question is incomplete. It should read ‘what should a person (i) avoid, and (ii) what would they like to avoid, but can’t?

A large number of the characteristics of 70 year olds is all that took place in the preceding 70 years. It’s my observation that children visit their ageing mothers far more frequently than they visit their ageing fathers.

When people reach the age of 70, they are more prone to physical injury, dementia, putting on needless amounts of weight and suffering irregular sleep patterns.


The situation is different for married couples, widowed spouses, and single people.

So, the three things that old people should avoid are:

1. letting the house get in an awful mess.

2. neglecting one’s personal hygiene

3. giving up on romance.

       Meeting someone you can form a relationship with goes a long way to    

       mitigating all three.

       I recently met a very attractive and affable Chinese woman who is    

       several years my junior. By sheer chance she happens to live close by.   

 She cannot speak English, which at first sight might appear to be an impediment, but it turns out that Google translate enables us to communicate. Indeed,she can paint Chinese symbols on her phone which get translated to audible English, quite amazing.

Of course, this only works when you have access to wi-fi, but it’s amazing what you can do when you can’t talk to each other.

Finally, what would old people like to avoid, but can’t.

I would like to think that I avoid foods that aren’t good for me, but every now and again I get this urge for apple pie and ice cream.

I recently developed a taste for prawn curry, but then my daughter told me that prawns belong to the crustacean family and are high in cholesterol.

I try to avoid not eating simply because I don’t feel hungry.

I would like to avoid not cooking meals with fresh ingredients, but unfortunately, Sainsbury do these really tasty meals for one, but one day I really would like to make my own spaghetti bolognaise with onions, peas, mushrooms, carrots, just like I did when I had kids to feed.